Rule #1 - Expect and Allow

This rule applies to many things I am sure, but for me as I heard it, it applies to anxiety. Expect it to come back and allow it.
I seem to be having quite a reocurrance of these little episodes lately. The upside to this is that they are not nearly as debilitating (think deer in the headlights) as they once were. I also happen to have a wonderful partner who despite not knowing from first hand experience about this lovely gift, is as supportive and loving as he can be.
With anxiety or panic attacks, it is sometimes very clear as to why you are having one -- say getting ready for a big presentation at work, and other times they come out of left field and cold-cock you with no warning.
the thinking that I am trying so very counterintuitively to embrace as that these episodes are here to serve me in some way. As a reminder to check in with myself, ask questions and take care of myself. I say counterintuitively because when you are hit with anxiety you really just want the feeling TO GO AWAY. It's kind of like in Buddhism where you are encouraged to be with your feelings--to go through them, stay in the moment and be fluid. As I said when I started this blog, fluidity is what I want to work towards in my life. This is something I understand now to be not an end result like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but a conscious lifestyle choice. One that takes lots of practice and work. So - I'm working on it. Some days better than others, like anything else.

We got to move it, move it!

I like to sing the song from Madagascar in the morning to Sam. Anything to put a fun spin on the otherwise drill sergeant tone of the morning routine.

Sam is very into time right now. How long can I...watch tv, play a game and, you know, wander around the house taking entire minutes longer to do something than my mother can possibly stand before her head pops off?

When I say, okay, you can have 5 more minutes and then call time, he invariably argues that that could not possibly have been 5 minutes. It had to have been 2 minutes.

So this morning, he is talking about what toy or book he MUST have for after-care at school and I ramble off something about how NO - we must go now because I cannot wait another 5 minutes while he figures this out.

Sam: "Mom, you really gotta get that clock fixed."

He's 7 1/2. How screwed am I?

Clearing my throat

I knew when I started this blog that I would want to talk about certain...struggles I've had and continue to have in this life. Depression, anxiety and weight. I group them together in this context because they are all intertwined. I continue to work on all 3 and the emotional gunk that lies underneath. I have recently started with a new therapist with whom I really connect well. I am a huge proponent of therapy, for me it has been and continues to be a vital component to my well-being.

Growing up, I was probably considered not shy but maybe a little timid. Looking back, I remember being just kind of...afraid. Afraid to take chances, speak up for myself, be different -- afraid of not being liked or having someone be mad at me. I guess these are fairly typical concerns for most kids, but thinking back on it as an adult - I felt paralyzed much of the time. I come from a long line, on both sides of my family, of a history of depression and anxiety, so given the genetical factor that is known now, it's not too surprising that I hit the jackpot on these.

There is the constant rebalancing of so many little pieces to depression and anxiety. Meds are just a part of it for me and is something I will have to re-evaluate for the rest of my life when need be. Exercise is a HUGE part of this for me. It is so clear that when I am staying active and taking good physical care of my body, that it has a huge positive impact on everything else. I know that a lot of this is just common sense really. A collection of mamaisms, if you will: eat healthy, exercise, slow down (this is especially tough for me), etc. Being respectful of yourself. Taking the time to give to yourself whatever it is that you need. I think this may be why I am drawn to Buddhism now. Being in the moment and being conscious of your thoughts, actions, words, choices...that it is important to PAY ATTENTION. This is an ongoing, organic practice and I try to remember that each day, each minute is a chance to practice. I will never get it right all the time - I don't think we are supposed to. Much like the butterfly that requires the struggle to break out of the cocoon so that it can have the strength to fly - we need these struggles as well so that we can find our power and our voices.

Heather Armstrong has a blog, called Dooce. She has tremendous courage and has written quite candidly and with raw beauty about her own struggles with depression and anxiety. I've read many of her posts and thought "Oh, I've been there." And so I want to be one more voice out here. Telling my story.

We have already seen and heard from so many women in such a short period of time with Mamaisms Gear -- that same kind of recognition and alliance in each other. It's the concurrent celebration of how much we share in common and how each individual's story matters.

Barely contained

Okay, so The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch was a huge success and so freaking exciting to watch. I was dancing around the bedroom while Joe looked on incredulously at his drunk-with-possibility wife. I have stopped being completely obsessed with checking the hit counter on the site in case you were concerned...

Oprah? Are you paying attention?? We are coming your way!

I cannot begin to tell you how incredible the enthusiasm and support we are receiving is and has been. Thank you!

Mamaisms Gear & The Big Idea

I am soooooo anxious and excited. Tina (my sister) and Jane spent the day in NJ taping a segment that will air tonight on 'The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch' show on CNBC.

Our recently-launched company, Mamaisms Gear, IS GOING TO BE MENTIONED ON NATIONAL TV, people!

The woman I am

In all my memories of her, she is petite but feisty as hell. Strong and opinionated but kind and loving. We'd play Scrabble until 3am when I'd spend the night as a young teenager. We still play Scrabble and have a running competition going on 17 years now.

Every fiber of my being is drenched in memories of times spent with her. She is one of my best friends, my biggest cheerleader, and the inspiration for a budding business. I am thinking of her almost constantly these days - with worry and reflection and the sadness that comes with watching her grow older and more frail. I want her to know how it is not and was not the house or the car or the pool that filled me up with the essence of her - that had such a huge impact on the woman I am today - but that it was and is her love, spirit and wisdom that has steeped like a cup of tea that I will drink from for the rest of my life.

His parent's child

This morning in my house was a little stressful. Sam, our son, does not like to get up in the morning. He most definitely gets this from both of us. Left to our own body clocks, we'd stay up late and sleep late. Let me put it to you this way...he is 7 years old and I had to wake him up on Christmas morning.
So this morning, in an effort to perhaps make tomorrow morning a little more bearable, I thought I'd provide some enticement.

"Hey Sam, how about if we get up a bit earlier tomorrow and get out the door a bit earlier, I will take you to Krispy Kreme on the way to school for a donut? How about that?"

"Mom, I'm just not a morning guy."

Lemme tell ya, kid - I know just how you feel.